Surrendering Unbelief

For some reason everything I said sounded better when she translated it into greek. It sounded more eloquent and she almost never stumbled over her words like I stumble over mine. But I knew that somehow the Lord would use what He had told me to teach on. Although not the happiest of messages I've ever spoken, one of the most thought provoking ones for sure.

I sat in my bed listening to a song by Hillsong united. One of the lines says, "Find my life in yours." I started wondering what does it mean to find my life in Christ's life. So He took me on an early morning journey to discover just a tiny piece of this lesson. I flipped to read out of Psalm 56. The desperation, the pain in David's writing. He can be real with his emotions and with the reality if how he feels about God in his struggles. It also clear about his realiance on Christ.

I can only see now how much I do really rely on Him for almost everything I can do in life. Even things that I thought I was good at "without" Him. In reality I can't do anything without Him. My thirst is too deep for something to not be quinched with Jesus. My heart is too shallow. My love too fickle and far too little to do anyone any good. I literally can't love out of my own human heart. This is my deepest conviction. But do I have the confidence to say that El Shaddai could possibly find me enough to love people through me? The lie creeps in that He must have terrible taste in messengers to choose me to love His children. But doesn't God's very word say that we are supposed to love eachother? And if there is anything I've learned is that God really does equip those He calls. So I love how I know He's made me to love. That is the only way that I would be here in Greece brushing through womens and childrens hair who don't even know that I am telling them how beautiful they are because we can't understand my language. How carefully I'm cutting hair that will just be covered again. I paint henna on hands and arms with blessings from a Father they don't even know yet. Can I believe that God's promise to leave me His Holy Spirit to speak and live through me even when I can't explain who He is? And I guess the question comes down to can I believe Him?

In 2 Corinthians Paul speaks really boldly to say that in Pauls weaknesses God will show Himself strong, Paul also says in Romans that nothing can seperate us from the love of Chirst Jesus. Those are two of the MANY statments Paul makes that must have some experience behind them. Some experience of endless love and Gods intense strength. I know that I have had those same experiences of love and His power. So why do I give ito unbelief when I could be shouting His promises? When I give myself, my will, my life to a lifestyle of unbelief than I’ve lost. I’ve put God in a box again.

I was laughing in a coffee shop called Bonjour the other day with one of my sweetest friends Lou. I was laughing because there was a light in her eyes, one of joy, one of love. She told me in complete belief that Jesus just wanted to take me out for a coffee this afternoon. The light in her eyes confirmed that Jesus was just looking at me through her little blue eyes. I’ve never been looked at with such love. I was reading about how the rich young ruler in Mark was looked at with love when Jesus was speaking to him. That look changes lives. The conversation that came after Lou being willing to take me out for Poppa today was just pure gold. That latte, that window seat, those belly laughs were just what I needed & I didn’t even know. I think He showed me what my life could be like if I surrendered the unbelief that He doesn’t actually care. Yes, I still struggle with that thought. But when I put all my “credibility” on the line to say something that shows that God really doesn’t fit into the “conservative” box that I’ve been trying to squeeze Him into, He shows Himself to be beyond my wildest imagination.

YHWH shows Himself to be more intimate than I could imagine, more hilarious than anyone I know, more caring to my little needs than I think even my momma could be. He shows Himself to love the same things I love, He shows Himself through people who I love. He even chats with me about my weird dreams & our favorite foods. Because when I give up my belief that He has bigger things to worry about or more pressing matters than to hold me while I sleep, then I have surrendered to the trap of unbelief that God really isn’t a Father, a Mother, a Lover, a Best Friend. Because He is those roles & so much more. More than I could know or ever imagine. & you know what else? When I believe that He will do what He promises & proclaim it. Then the Holy Spirit begins to radiate through me. She speaks into us & moves out of us when language isn’t known. When I struggle with the language barrier or even the fact that I can’t take or post pictures of the work we are doing here I am limiting that fact of God speaks to you all just as He speaks to me. This time is the most beautiful stretching time in my life. I don’t want to waste a moment thinking “this is too hard” or “I don’t deserve to treat myself today to a coffee & some alone time”. He teaches me in the hard moments & often whispers sweet nothings to me in the relaxed moments. I’m thankful for the moments I have with some of the most wonderful people I’ve met. I’m thankful that when I surrender my flesh of unbelief that God IS who He says He is. Elohim loves me a whole lot, when I’m crying out and when I’m sitting pretty. He loved David when he was writing questioning Psalms and writing Psalms about how glorious the Lord is. There is so much about the Bible & our God that I don’t even know a little about! The seas of the knowledge of God are endless, but I also know that His precious thoughts for me aren’t even outnumbered by the grains of sand. I believe that God is who He says He is. Saying that, I know that my Abba will keep using me in mighty ways for His glory only. Praise the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ as I (& you) live our lives through His.

...also here's my smiley self when we finally found the view.